Laying next to the most amazing man, listening to him breathe, and looking so peaceful, I can't help but reminisce to the passion I was once able to show my husband. The hunger for his love that ran through my body is still there, but the actions are nearly impossible.
For years I couldn't stop myself acting like teenagers half of the time as soon as he'd walk into the room. Now, I feel like a 97 year old woman with a broken hip. The rush is there, the desire is there, the heat has always been there. The only thing not there, is me! I can't even walk to my dresser any longer let alone try to have relations with my husband.
I find it interesting and very depressing how quickly things can change. What once was a head over hills get a room type of passion is only possible for one of us. Sadly, it is no longer me. What we have is a beautiful love for one anothers soul, the person we have become, and our love of life more so than our bodies.
☆Trust me I know that the love and the bond we have for each other is stronger than anything in the world. I cherish our relationship and our love more than I think he even knows. In reality this situation bothers me more than it bothers him.
As I get older and this disease takes a stronger hold over my body, I find myself longing for those days of being healthy. Seeing him laying in bed beside me cuddled up with all three animals makes my heart skip and tears fall from my face. I can close my eyes and remember his arms pulling me tight and we would make love until the sun came up. Feeling his strong arms around my waist and seeing the look in his eyes just takes me away to another place and time. A time where I could breathe and nothing could stand in my way when it came to anything, not just the topic at hand.
My diagnosis was bound to eventually take over every aspect of my life. I just thought I had a little more time. Now, it has finally taking my capability for a love life away. From what was at it's highest peak down to nothing at all. I knew this would happen eventually as each year everything gets harder and harder to accomplish. I was only hoping that it wouldn't happen at 28.
I was hoping to have a few more years left before I would be where I am today. Sadly, CF is finally controlling the spark that started years ago for the man that I fall deeper and deeper in love with everyday. The man who can turn me on with only his amazing smile.
☆The worst part is that he is getting the short end of the stick and it KILLS me! I feel like half a woman. Like I can no longer please or take care of my man and it hurts so much. CF has taken a lot from me. The ability to work, drive a car, go to school, make it to events, concerts, just about everything and now this.
All of the passion that once ran through my body for this man like lightening striking down on me has been taken away so quickly. All because of the air I breathe or should I say the air I can no longer breathe? The love and the desire I once had before is still there and stronger than ever. I just do not have what I need to act on these feelings and it is frustrating and depressing more than anything.
How can this be? How can it take away my ability to physically love my husband? We would lay in our bed at all hours of day, legs intertwined, bare skin on skin with a hunger for one another. There was nothing that could stop me from touching, kissing, or holding the man of my dreams close to my body. That is no longer the case and has sadly been left on the back burner. Thanks to Cystic Fibrosis. Each day it eats at me a little more and there is nothing I can do! Nothing I can say. Just nothing!
Now, don't get me wrong we still love one another more with each day! The passion for one another is still there especially for him. I am just no longer able to act on those urges as I would love to. I used to have so much energy and planned so many romantic nights just to make our love life perfect and amazing. Now, I am lucky to kiss him more than twice a day.
The fact that my feet barely hit the floor anymore, my hair is never brushed and I am always a mess. I know that I have a medical smell, I never wear make up and am in the same pj's for days at a time. My body is rarely bathed, scared and ugly, and now I am down to 99lbs and my weight just keeps dropping. What do I have to offer this incredible man?
I am nothing as what I once was. I am not the beauty he met and fell in love with. The model I was long ago has faded into the depths of my memory and staying in the past. I am so ashamed of how I look and even sickened for who I see in the mirror each day. I hide in the memories of the way I used to look and ignore mirrors as much as possible.
☆Ours is a love that burns inside our hearts that will never fade away. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
I have begun to blame myself and even starting to hate this part of who I am. The medications, treatments, and hospital stays make me weep in bed every night. I can feel his breath upon my skin and my body begins to shake. My heart starts to race and in my mind I am that young, healthy, energetic, sexy woman I was when he first fell in love me. I want so badly to roll around in the sheets with him, laughing and running around the house in nothing but his tshirt. Just for him to catch me, lift me up, with his hands on my body and my lips on his skin!
☆I can't even imagine what that feeling is like any more.
This is a pain that no one knows, no one but me. It hurts worse than any surgery, tattoo, or infection I've ever had. How do I explain it all to him? How do I explain it to myself at all when all I see in myself is a sad shell of the woman I used to be.
Instead of being caught up and tangled within each other, I am wrapped up in oxygen cords, caught up with medications every 4hours, and can hardly make a move on my own. My body so frail and weak, I have a coughing fit with every breath I take, and my life has become so meek. I was once a beautiful woman with passion that ran so deeply and only for him!!
This disease is so ugly it is so cruel and it doesn't care about your plans or who you are. It doesn't take mercy on your love life, your personal life, or your goals. I never thought I would be in this boat and feel this way at 28.
To understand what it going on would be impossible unless you are in this situation. All I know to do is smile at this amazing man who has devoted himself to me. Pray that he doesn't resent who I have become, in turn making him the man he is today. It makes my skin crawl at the fact that he is now my caregiver more so than my husband and lover. I sometimes feel as if he thinks of me as a burden. As he is the one who has to be both the man and the woman within our house hold. Taking care of the animals, myself, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, working double shifts to pay bills, grocery shopping. He does it all without a complaint and still loves me. He truly is amazing and I don't deserve such an amazing man.
☆I sometimes worry it will be too much for him and he will leave. That is my biggest fear at the moment! Not death, not sickness, not surgery, or lack of friends. I can't lose the man that brings me the sun and the moon, but if it was me I can't say for certain that I would have stayed as long as he has. Only true love and devotion would make a man stay with a woman like me. Going through all of this with him makes it easier on me, but I worry so badly he will eventually want someone who can do everything that I can not. Domestically, physically, and intimately.
So thankful for true love and devotion,
Sandi
To follow my blogs and journey with Cystic Fibrosis, like me on Facebook.
