As I sit here and celebrate all of my friends and family members getting pregnant and having baby after baby. I cry to myself. I sob like a baby as I'm writing comments like, "OMG I'm so happy for you." When I want to write "why you and not me?", Why can't it be me with a baby shower and a bump collage?", Or "It isn't fair."
It's so bitter sweet. I'm genuinely am happy for them and can't wait to celebrate with them, but inside my body is screaming at itself. Screaming at my health, at my lungs, whatever God will listen, and at this curse that is Cystic Fibrosis. Inside my mind if you could hear the thoughts I am thinking you'd want to call the cops for a domestic or maybe have me committed for these screams that are so silent, but so powerful.
Growing up I knew I wanted to wait until I was older to have kids, because honestly modeling and getting out of Fairmont, WV was all I ever wanted. So, when I was in the 18-24ish age rage I didn't even think about it and thought wearing protection and all of that was working for me.
🔨Then the hammer dropped and tada sorry Sandi, you'll never be a mommy. Forget the idea of it all together, because it won't happen. At least not for me. (CF and Fertility)
Why not? It's simply really. I'm part of the Cystic's whom can't conceive naturally. Also, I'm not made of money and I didn't marry a bank. The only way we could have a baby is by paying a ridiculous amount of money for someone to create my child for me in a laboratory and well that's not going to happen. Adoption is also alot of money along with a grueling indepth check on us and with my health standing as is, I'm probably not going to be approved to adopt.
💰If I were rich I could literally adopt any baby I wanted from any country and they wouldn't bat an eye.
Sometimes I want to smack those who take advantage of being able to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Or those who get pregnant and neglect or ignore the child. All I can think in those situations is, how dare you? I just don't understand how selfish some people are and not realizing what they have. What a precious gift they have and they simply take advantage of things.
At my doctor's appointment the topic was yet again brought up to discuss and all I could do was tear up and talk about how badly I wanted to start a family. It rips my heart completely apart. I never knew someone could ever want something so badly that it physically hurts so bad. Honestly, it pains me so deep inside to think I'll never hear the voice of a tiny child calling me mommy. I'd do anything in the world to somehow be able to make it happen.
💔Broken hearted I wait to for the day things will change for me. I guess it's true when they say you can't have it all, but I'd think that this disease was hell enough for one person. I'd give back all of my accomplishments and every achievement I've ever made just to hold a beautiful child in my arms to call our own.
Sometimes what we want isn't always what we need at that time. No matter how heart breaking it may be there is a reason.
Maybe one day,
Sandi
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