Comfort can mean many things to many people. For me comfort is a thin line between home and the hospital.
Crazy right? I know it is, but sometimes I feel when my life starts to get over loaded and I need to wind down, I end up in the hospital. Part of my brain thinks it may unconsciously be physiologically prompted.
When I am in the hospital I am taken care of. My room is cleaned every day, food is cooked and brought to me, meds are always on time and never skipped, there is no real worry when you are hospitalized for a clean out.
I think back to when I was in California I was busy busy busy, homesick, and unhappy in my relationship. I was also in and out of the hospital more so than I had ever been before. That is also where I contracted several CF bugs along with having a pulmonary embolism. I must say I was very mixed on my emotions and feelings at that time in my life.
I start to think about young girls who are cutters for a pain release to help with depression and all that comes with it. Alcohol never worked for me because I don't absorb it correctly. I refuse to do any kind of drug due to the prescription ones I am on. Too scared!
So, I think I may have been putting myself in the hospital back then for weeks of torture. To have some type of pain and emotional release with constant IV's, blood draws, and blown veins. At that time I did not have a PORT so I had to have mid lines and straight sticks for blood draws. Constantly receiving pain, but at someone else's hand.
I guess in a way it was my drug, release, and way out. It is crazy to think back and look at it like that for me.
Luckily, I guess, I can honestly say I no longer am in the position that I feel the need to do that. I am happy, home, safe, and pleased with my life.
Now, I just wish my body was as healthy as it was back then. At least then if I wanted to cry wolf, I could instead of being super sick all the time.
Maybe that is karma kicking my ass for not being as sick back then and taking advantage of a situation. Who knows all I know is I have never mentioned this before and it is actually nice to put it out there in black and white.
I understand cutters, I am just not brave enough to do it myself. Not sure if that is a good thing or bad. I know I can relate to depression and confusion. I completely get it when people have no idea what to do so they run. I ran! Many times perhaps not to the right places but I ran. I get it!
Not Running,
Sandi
Sandi
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