Successful Failures

I've always promised to be real, honest, and raw with my blogs, to being a CF advocate and help when help is needed. So this one is a little more personal than most.

On our way back from a great trip to Ohio to see an amazing friend and her beautiful new home. I realized something that really took me back. I mean completely shocked me! I am a huge cry baby and those of you who know me know that. I cry at the most random times and even when a friend shares a status. But this time it was different, it was in silence on the drive home, sitting next to the man who would cut his arm off if it meant helping me in some way, yet I hid it from him. It wasn't until Monday (11/4/2013) I told him that my heart was breaking and I was crying while he was watching the road.

I looked into the sky at the stars shining so bright in the middle of corn fields, Sunday night and saw an unbelievably beautiful skyline. I sang to the radio, oddly to a song that sums up Tyson in one word, "Strong", and held my dog in my lap. Finally realizing that I was a "failure!"

All of the accomplishments I have been able to do are amazing and I love each person I have met, and everything I've ever been able to do. Although I've always been a "failure" in every attempt of my adult life. I guess you could say I go for things that are too big and then when they fall apart, I carry it on my shoulders as I could have done things differently and the outcome would have changed.

Let's start picking through what was going through my mind late Sunday evening while looking up at the stars. Thinking "Sandi, you wanted to be an astronomer, but you were too stupid to do it. Hell, I wonder if I even know how to spell, astronomer? 

★Point proven I spelled the first one wrong on purpose! That is how I would have spelled it without searching for it first!!  

☆We can start in high school, I was a cheerleader and so proud to be. Yet, I was never on the Varsity team. I was terrified to pull any actual stunts outside of a back hand spring.

☆Graduation I am pretty sure I was only given a diploma because the teachers felt bad for me and liked who my personality was so they just passed me. However, I graduated with nothing special, but a 2.5 GPA

☆College well that was just a huge waste of time, money, and energy. I didn't pass a single course. I did make lifelong friends through my sorority but I made just as many enemies. 

☆Being a Hooters Girl I was successful at first- until I got sick and needed surgery. I was never really able to go back once I was healthy again, one reason being I moved to CA. Another reason being my Hooters was closed shortly after me working there.

☆Then we go to a marriage, a marriage that was stupid.  Both of our tickets to California via the United States Marine Corps. I acted like a fool with my ex husband, doing and saying things I regret now more than anything and you can't take some of those things back. We both decided we could make that move and both jumped in feet first! That just had failure written all over it. 

★Only fools rush in and we were definitely the fools in this case. Ending in a divorce before the age of 25 and only been married a year!

☆My modeling career, well lets see, I did get several modeling jobs. Which are awesome memories and I LOVED every single moment of it. Some jobs I would get and then never follow through because I was to home sick or to depressed to follow up on them. So I would use my lungs as an excuse for not making things happen. I was presented with so many opportunities in San Diego and LA that I just ignored them and I don't understand why. I did go to the Playboy Mansion, so that was great. However, I went by myself and was terrified I left after 2 hours of being there. Everything I've said is true about the mansion the people I met, the grotto, Heff, how awesome it was, I just didn't explain I was too much of a coward to stay and talk to the right connections to get my modeling career further.

☆Moving back home, I ran away much like everything I've ever done. I darted out of the possibility to have a bigger modeling career, walked away from going to the VMA's, walked away from Playboys offers, walked away from the maximum, from several fashion designers, and modeling gigs! Ran straight to Fairmont to the hole in the wall in WV! Filed for divorce and tried to start over.

♥My love story with Tyson is 100% real everything about it is a fairy tale so far. I haven't done anything yet to make this a failure.  I feel more like a success when he is there to balance me. He helps me realize my dreams are great and can be accomplished, but I need to go about them on a smaller scale than I used to. I can no longer just jump in feet first into things, my health will not allow it anymore. Lets face it, it obviously didn't work that way anyway right?

☆DRG or The Ribbons of  Hope Calendar. The nonprofit organizations and publication I started with such high hopes and great expectations to bring awareness for all rare and uncommon diseases, not just CF. Has been nothing but failure after failure after failure! No matter what I did how hard I pushed and kept going. It was a joke, a joke that could have been amazing if not for my kind heart and blindness to bad people. But you will go crazy thinking about the shoulda, woulda, coulda talk. So that's where I will end if for this set back in my life.

☆I started doubting my CF page and blog altogether until yesterday (11/5/2013). When I received two separate messages thanking me for everything I write, share, and put out there for everyone, because I have helped a CFer's husband and a Cystic's daddy to understand CF a little better. Mind you I did get messages like this regularly and it just melts my heart to think something I have to say is actually taken in. For once in my life I feel like I am at least doing something right! However, feeling down and blue yesterday those were what I needed, to get the push in a happier direction. 

★I am a very spiritual person, so having these two amazing people tell me that I, have helped them and to keep going and writing my blogs, and giving tips or info, meant so much more to me than just words read on a computer screen. 

♥As long as one person is inspired by anything I was able to accomplish or can do, I am not a "failure", I feel like my goal has been accomplished.

Going to bed with tears in my eyes tonight, hoping to feel I do have a better purpose to help others living the Cystic lifestyle. I have realized I am a successful "failure" if that is even possible!

★To note: The only three things I have been successful in are my Man, Hooters, and my CF blogs/FB. I mean 100% successful, not just a glimpse of something I wanted, then didn't finish through or was stopped from being able to! 

With Broken Strength,
   Sandi
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The love of my life!
"He's a 20-year straight get to work on time He's loved one woman for all his life He's a shirt off his back give you his last dime He's strong. He's a need to move something you can use my truck He's an overtime worker when the bills pile up Everybody knows he ain't just tough he's strong." - Will Hoge, Strong

Retired Hooters Girl!

My First CF Awareness Poster!