Odd, how hearing and song can inspire you to share your troubles, your struggles, and your deep dark secrets. The key line in the song literally is, "My drug dealer was a doctor" and man do those words ring loud and clear. So, here's to you, Macklemore....
As I sit here in tears contemplating if I should share this or not, I'm faced with the fact that I swore to be honest, be true, and be raw with this blog and all of you. When in fact I've not been honest with my damn self for almost two years and it's killing me. I try to justify and say, "You really were in pain", "you ARE terminal", or "It was prescribed by a physician they know what thy are doing." Right?
When in reality, you can't be sure that it's YOUR best interest they are looking out for.
💊I've never done drugs that were illegal. I've always taken medication from a doctor and that was why I was justifying my issue. It wasn't until I almost killed myself in April, that I realized just how addicted to IV Dilaudid (Hydromorphone), I really was. It wasn't until I stopped taking it and didn't have it on hand that I knew I was an addict and didn't come to grips with it then. Yet, every time I heard the name of the drug, I get chills and have the dark side of my soul creep out of my head saying how badly I'd like to have my hands on a dose.
📍 I look back and see all the pain I was in and the horrible things it put me through, yet I know if I was hospitalized I'd ask for a dose or two.
I know my family knew what was going on, but I don't think they ever knew how bad it really was. Well, until now I guess. The only person who saw me in such a bad state of mind was Tyson, and I could never imagine what he had possibly going through his head.
❤He is a amaziny man to stand by my side and hold my hand through it all. I'd hate to think he thinks half as bad about me, as I think about myself.
I'm so hard on myself now looking back, yet I got out of the worst parts of it. The cravings are gone, to a point. I no longer shake, jerk or sweat for no reason. I no longer search for ways of making sure my prescriptions were filled. So, when you think about it the worst part is over and the hardest part has begun.
I was to a point that the act of rocking back and forth on my bed, dripping from sweat yet shivering from being so cold, became a feeling I was getting used to.
💊 I'd cry and scream searching for ways to get Dilaudid or ANY pain medication. At one point I searched high and low just to have pain meds into my system, if my script was out too soon.
I thought about contacting the people who I knew were into hard core street drugs after doing search after search on Google, of other things that are able to give you the same feeling that Dilaudid did.
🏳Thankfully, I never did act on that thought. Mainly out of embarrassment and the fact that I can't mentally do anything with needles.
Maybe it was my way of dealing with everything going on. Maybe I was trying to cover up a fear of dying young. I know after a while I wasn't needing pain medication to mask or fix my actual physical pain. I mean at this point my pain was/is just like breathing.
🖑🖐After all they go hand in hand. So, I know I was taking the medication for a mental escape.
Escape from what I'm not 100% sure, but an escape regardless. The funny thing is no amount of medication can take you out of reality, especially when that medication wears off and you no longer have it. Then all that hits you is regret, hate, sickness, confusion, and sadness.
People ask me all the time what has changed that has my health improving so much. Really, until right now, I've not been completely upfront. I know that 70% of it is in deed the move to the beach and the salt air. However, I'd be willing to bet that 20% is the fact that I literally gave myself a heart attack, via an air embolism, from IV diluadid TWO days after being in SC. I then stopped all pain killers at home and haven't touched them at home since April 2016! I'd say it's safe to say the other 10% was getting away from the hospital where they and I quote "were waiting for my lungs to just give up". I've also been using the essential oils "breathe blend" and lavender to stack the deck, I believe that would be the full reason for my insane health change.
💦So, salt air from the ocean, getting away from a toxic hospital system that literally gave up in my health, and stopping the narcotic dependency and addiction. All while adding oils to help with stress relief, which lets face it I need!
I was disgusted with myself and my choices. Ashamed, disappointed, upset, lost, and hurt to be honest. I felt like I was weak to allow myself to stoop to such a low.
When in reality, I was being pumped full of this pain medication by doctors when the only thing they cared about at the time was IV Benadryl and not wanting me on THAT, really?. When my mother would mention to the doctors they would say, "she's ok, we will address the issue if it gets bad." Yet, they never did address the pain I was having either mental or physical. They just kept increasing the Dilaudid dose and not really doing much.
It wasn't until it was too late and I was already addicted that they gave a damn about my well being vs. the addiction. So, once I was hooked on Dilaudid they decided to then just cut me off from the medication they have been pumping into my veins constantly for about a YEAR and a half. In hopes I'd give in and go to the Suboxone clinic. Making life very difficult and leading to be getting sloppy causing an air embolism with my last IV dose.
In my opinion it was to pad their wallets a little more and with state and insurance money to boot.
💉Why they ever sent me home on IV pain medication I'll never understand. Maybe they had an agenda, maybe I'm reading into it wrong and it's all on me. Either way something needs to change. These drugs are killing so many people, ruining lives, and destroying families.
No, the drug isn't solely at fault it's a tango and without the prescriber and the patient the drug is harmless. I take responsibility for getting into it that deep. I am also taking responsibility for trying to help those in my situation.
Sadly I know I will most likely lose respect and followers with this blog. I know my family will probably think less of me. However, I feel that this is something that needs to shared.
Thankfully, when I gave myself that air embolism I was able to get the EMT'S to me in time, but not before the right side of my body was paralyzed and my mind was gone. I was hollow and completely numb. I could only think two things over and over in my head at that time which was, "I'm going to die" and " For the love of God, Sandi move your arms, kick your legs, or left your head". And I simply couldn't. This went on for a good 15-20 minutes, that really felt like forever, until help arrived and took me to the ER.
🍀I was able to realize just how lucky I was and I was able to stop taking the drug cold turkey afterward. Nothing like the feeling of a drug overdose mixed with a heart attack to knock some sense into a person.
However, alot of people aren't that lucky and these drugs that doctors push and push, kill so many people.
Which, is why I need to share this. I need to help those who need it and I need to keep pushing to accomplish all I can in this life. As I have been given so many extra chances and I know that I need to give back in a big way.
Dreadfully Determined,
Sandi
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