"Eat a cheeseburger!" "Stick skinny" and "Anerexic" are words I have heard all my life. Being self conscious is part of life as a female and even as a male now days. Being a female with CF I struggle with more than just the super model society ideals of the female image.
Growing up with a disease where one of the major issues is malabsorption, keeping up with the "norm" is unbelievably hard. People seem to think too skinny is bad, but not skinny enough is worse. The thoughts about a perfect body image is so hard to maintain.
Going to school and eating as much as I need to in order to absorb nutrients, I have been subject to ridicule and comments of how "people" girls mainly wished they could eat like me. What they do not realize saying that, is that I have already choked down a full breakfast with two snacks and shakes before lunch. What they see me eat is forced down just to stay above 110lbs.
To the normal eye that sounds and looks amazing. What you don't know is my stomach hurts from being so full, I have a food baby 90% of the time, and the thought of extra snacks turns my stomach.
If they add on steroids to my medication list or any medication that has a hunger side effect I look like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter. My face becomes round and chubby, my eyes sink into my head, and I have two chins. All while my body stays the same size and I look like an odd shaped strawberry that was picked too late.
Of course, this is another appearance issue that people overlook.
I have even had the pregnancy question before just because of the side effects of some medications. When I started working at Hooters I was introduced to the phrase "Muffin Top". Don't get me wrong that outfit is hard to rock perfectly, however I lost weight because of that comment.
The strive to be perfect is over rated, the focus on popular body trends is exhausting, and the photos back and forth are getting to be embarrassing no matter which end of the scale I am tippy toeing around.
Something I have recently found is that I feel beautiful in my skin weather I weigh 100lbs or 140lbs. Which I have never been that high in numbers but still.
I have heard people say my whole life that weight looks good on me. All I can think is, if I said that to you, would you be happy? Would you be excited to have to eat that 1,000 calorie snack before your dinner? Probably not.
People seem to ignore the fact that putting on weight for me is a sign of struggle. The typical thing is losing weight not gaining. In the eyes of Joe Public I should be aiming to fit my 00 or youth sized jeans and to be honest that is difficult to conquer even more so when you have no energy to eat extra, need exercise, and have no will to "gain" anything.
With all of that said, the importance I have been able to realize is that today I had a photo taken from a behind view and I LOVED what I saw. I wasn't so skinny that I wanted to cry, I didn't have extra weight that I felt horrible about myself, and I didn't look sick for the first time in my life or at least not to me. Which is to me the most acceptable I have felt towards my own body figure in my life.
Never let society judge what your figure should look like. Only you need to be happy with you!
Eat, Gain, Smile,
Sandi
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