Behind the Smile of a Cystic: Scars

Scars can make you who you are or maybe you just have an "interesting" story behind your scars.

Well, when you're a young female with the dream of modeling. It doesn't matter what the story is. It doesn't matter how it looks. All that matters is that it's there.

Will Photoshop fix it? Can you pose at a different angle? What about jewelry or make up? My scar stopped me from being cast in a lot of modeling gigs, each time I would feel a hole in my heart that would take my breath away. Mainly because I felt like I had the right "look" confident that my "look" was better than some who would get cast in things. Yet my scar was holding me back at least in California. I've covered my scar for as long as I can remember. Making sure all photographers, fashion designers, and casting agents all knew about it and my concern of showing it off. I made sure it was always hidden one way or another.

My insecurity about my scar started when I was a tweenager. Of course at the swimming pool where people could easily see it and would be so rude. Starring, randomly coming up and asking, "Oh my God, what happened?" It got to the point that I started coming up with lies. The truth just seemed to bother me. So I made up ridiculous things, just to be a smart-ass to their blatant rudeness.

I would roll my eyes and then say I was stabbed or shot in a "gang flight!" Mind you I lived in Fairmont, WV and was a tiny little blonde about 12 years old. Or another good one was, "I was hit by a train." I have been always irritated and embarrassed about it until I came across someone who really was shot in Afghanistan. A US Marine, who selfishly put his life on the line. Who said and I quote. "No shit? Me too" pulled his shirt up and showed me his actual "battle wounds." That surprisingly looked just like one of my scars. I felt horrible telling him that I wasn't serious, that it was a medical reason. This was 11 years of telling these fake scar stories mixing them up and changing them a little here and there. I have not shown my stomach in a public forum since then. Fearing the judgment and having to go into the details. My scars are all uniquely reasoned, but most are all intestinal blockages. To people you've never met who have no clue about Cystic Fibrosis, this is a difficult and embarrassing conversation to have.

Well, today (October 12,2013), I did! I was so confident I was wearing it proudly. Until I caught a lady who couldn't even look into my eyes. She is just kept looking at my stomach, my scar(s), and my hernia's, never asking just judgment and discussed showing on her face. So I offered the real story, where she still just stared. Then walked away.

That horrible feeling came back. That rushed feeling of embarrassment and ugliness. I know, I know I put myself out there. I should have expected it. However, I was at a tattoo convention? I guess I figured I wouldn't be judged. Thinking all body modification wanted or not would be expected.

I love my scar(s) as my scar is several surgeries in one ever growing line down my stomach. For the fact that it is the only way I am here, I am still breathing, smiling, teaching, growing, and simply here! I hate it because of the insecurity it gives me, the questions it brings, the rudeness, and the starring hurts! It cuts deep and there really isn't a way of showing it.

I'm always a happy uplifting person. I always see the positive side of things. Which is why I say I love my scar, however, I do not love showing it off. I guess there is nothing I can do about that, but just keep on keeping on.

My only happy note of this feeling in my heart, is to acknowledge we are all different. We see beauty in different ways and people are born to judge each other. My scar doesn't define me, I define my scar. Even if I don't want to show it off.

Scars are for life,
Sandi

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